Four Reasons Why I Should Talk Less, and Listen More

Last Monday one of the students who I mentor came into our session very excited and almost right away said “okay I have to tell you something.”

He proceeded to explain how the day before frustration about not being accepted by other students had resulted in an outburst of anger. So I spent the next half hour explaining ways to control his frustration.

Walking across the parking lot to my car I realized he simply wanted me to listen and allow him to vent isntead of sharing twenty ways to deal with anger. It was a not so gentle reminder of the need to listen more than I talk.

God has given us one mouth but two ears, so we should be listening twice as much as we talk. Kraft, Dave. Leaders Who Last (Re: Lit) (p. 108).

If your a talker like me it’s important to remember in many cases simply listening to a person can do more than all the words in the world.

* Because Listening allows us to learn about what the persons really struggling with
* Because Listening encourages them to talk more during a session instead of taking up 80% to 90% of the time ourselves
* Because Listening builds trust so that they are willing to share deeper struggles
* Because Listening focuses our mind on their need instead of finding the right words to say that can help

So how do we break the habit of trying to fix a problem right away instead of listening? Here are a few habits that have helped me become an active listener.

1. Allow the person to introduce the subject or idea that will be discussed: I prefer to start my mentoring sessions with the phrase “what do you want to talk about today?”
3. Make an effort not to deal with a problem the moment they share it: I usually create a lesson plan on that subject for the next week
4. Pray as they share their needs: this will give you something to do instead of actively speaking
5. Listen for the REAL PROBLEM: it usually isn’t the one you expect

In our fast paced culture there are thousands of voices giving answers to the challenges of those in need. The sad thing is the one voice that truly matters is drowned out…It’s our responsibility as Christians to make sure their own voice is heard.

Confessions of a Missionary: I Am Addicted to My Phone

Few advances in technology have done more to change the way people communicate with each other than the cell phone. Of course being able to call other people at the touch of a button is a big change, but I’m talking about the ability it gives to communicate with hundreds of people instantly using Applications. In the past when something exciting happened to us our first thought would be to meet a friend so that we could talk about it, later this became calling someone on the phone, or sending a text message. Today when something big happens our first thought is “I have to put this on Facebook!”

Please don’t think I’m trying to criticize others who do this because I am one of the worlds worst at overusing the social media features of my phone. This isn’t really dangerous at first (and is actually a blessing since we are able to communicate with friends around the world) but it’s incredibly easy to become addicted to your smartphone apps. And if we aren’t careful that addiction can focus us so much on sharing cool experiences that we neglect the people we are making memories with.

Last Wednesday morning I drove to my brothers house in Lexington VA and spent a few days with my niece and nephew (successfully avoiding the beginning of Snowmageddon). This was something I really looked forward to because it allowed me to embrace the role of “Silly Uncle John” and make awesome memories with loved ones. The basic idea of being a Silly Uncle is giving my brother and his wife some free time for Church meetings, ministry planning, or just rest while I am playing with the kids. There are some drawbacks to Silly Uncle John coming over (greatly heightened decibel level and injury count) but the fun and excitement definitely makes up for that.

The thing I love about being a Silly Uncle is all the memories, and special experiences created while with my niece and nephew. My phone addiction however comes into play here because my first thought after many of them is “I have to put this on Facebook!” Now it only takes a few moments to create a Facebook post, but things sort of grow from there.

You check every other minute to see who liked or commented on the post
While there you read what other people are sharing
Of course you have to comment on a few of their posts yourself
And while you’re at it you may as well check the latest news or Google something
Of course checking your email is absolutely necessary as well
Before you know it thirty minutes have passed with your eyes glued to your phone

The funny thing is children understand we use our phones too much and it bothers them because it takes away playing time.  My favorite memory from last week was creating a game called “Uncle John Hunters” which involved their chasing down a dastardly criminal named Uncle John with nerf guns as he hid in the house. Once caught the criminal was taken to jail and two things were confiscated, his wallet and (you guessed it) his phone. For around an hour I had no access to the online world since my smartphone was being securely guarded (I was too busy sneaking out of prison) and surprisingly the world didn’t come to an end.

We should keep using our phones to share the precious moments of our lives…but sometimes the best thing we can do is turn our phone off and enjoy those moments themselves.

Confessions of a Missionary: I’m An Oversharer

Last week the Lord convicted me about something that had crept into my communication on the blog, ministry emails, or social media.  At first it didn’t seem like anything; but the more I thought about it, the easier it was too see this created problems.  So though it pains me to admit it…I must confess I’m an over-sharer

For those of you who may not be aware of what this is, an over-sharer is someone who describes a situation (usually a bad one) in way too much detail.  Some do it to get pity from others but that isn’t the reason I do it;   God has created me as a really emotional person and someone who loves to tell stories, of course put these together and few things give me more pleasure than telling an emotional story 🙂  The danger with being an over-sharer (and what God convicted me about) is we tend to only focus on the bad news, or end up going back to ministry challenges many times in our communication.

I do stand by the belief individuals should hear about a Missionaries ugly experiences along with the good and bad, but in the future won’t describe it so deeply.  Please understand that my reason for this isn’t to hide something from anyone, but to ensure my writing doesn’t only focus on what’s bad, and give the idea there is nothing good about being a Missionary.

One way this change will affect my communication is not using personal stories about myself in almost every post anymore.  That’s not to say those stories aren’t awesome (they are) but it can detract from the actual message I’m trying to get across.

Hearing stories is still fun and cool, which is why posts like today with Confessions of a Missionary will still be intact.  But in the future my focus will be more on helping people understand how they can reach the unsaved in a Non-Christian culture, and less about the John Show 🙂

Confessions of a Missionary: I Hate Snow Days

Last week we got the fist serious snow in Winston Salem this winter that resulted in three days of school cancelled, and noon dismissal on Tuesday.  Most kids I’m sure were incredibly excited about these snow days, but I absolutely hated them.

Oh don’t get me wrong I enjoyed parts like taking a picture of the dog, making jokes about southerners going to get bread and milk, and even created a Pinterest board making fun of our response to snow.  But shutting down the school system meant none of the volunteer ministries I’m involved with run as usual.

Being a Missionary applying for a Permanent Visa to Australia means I don’t have a full-time job in the States, so ministering to other people takes the place of that (through English Teaching, Mentoring, Office Management, and after school clubs with different organizations). So basically from Wednesday to Friday little one on one ministry could be accomplished.

To make matters worse I developed a chest cold which of course made me even less productive, after acting like everything was okay for a few days (it wasn’t) I finally got some DayQuil and promptly went into a comatose state for the next five hours.

The thing is a lot of work was still accomplished during those snow days, but in my mind none of it was “productive” or could make a real difference in others lives.

My response to this was anger and frustration since men are created with a desire to produce (work hard) and provide for their loved ones.  It’s easy however to base our confidence or view of ourselves as men on that ability to produce something.  So whenever things out of our control (like the snow canceling school) come up we feel like weak little boys instead of men.

The real danger of this is there will be days or portions of our lives that are incredibly unproductive just like Snow Days…when there will be no “real work” to do, or all of your attempts to accomplish something fail miserably.

It’s in those moments we learn what kind of character a person has; will they continue doing the work God gives (even if it’s to rest for the afternoon)? Or will their own desire for fulfillment and real work cause them to become angry or frustrated? This has real meaning for me since I’m in an extended “Snow Day” period of ministry while my Australian Visa is completed, and there are days when all of the work being done during furlough seems like it’s worthless.

However at those times I can rest in the fact that all the work given to me by God is in fact not worthless but a precious gift, and while obeying His Will every moment I’m doing the most important work imaginable.

So I am learning to love snow days 🙂

Why You Should Pull the Tooth Now

There were a lot of places I wanted to be at 2:00 yesterday afternoon, but sitting in a dentist chair definitely wasn’t one of them, yet there I was having a tooth extracted in preparation for some dental work.  As the dentist pulled with what appeared to be a pair of pliers a single question kept coming into my head, “Why am I doing this?”

This particular tooth is in desperate need of work but it hasn’t gotten to point of causing pain or discomfort yet.  The crazy thing is its possible to go months or years till an infection or other serious problem forces you to visit the dentist, and like many individuals I reserve these “pleasant visits” for the moment you can’t see straight because of the pain.

So why was I having a tooth extracted when it wasn’t totally necessary?  Because if you don’t deal with a problem before it becomes serious, they will come back to haunt you.

There was another tooth that needed work done during my last furlough in 2009, but instead of getting it taken care of at a time when it would be easy (living with my parents allowed me to save money) I chose to go back without the work done.  Then in 2010…you guessed it…I had to have extensive work done because it was infected.

Thankfully the Lord provided the funds to do this, but it took almost all my savings so when the American Dollar fell through that decision dramatically affected my ministry.

It is incredibly easy to put a difficult decision off till later; but these challenges have a bad habit of showing up at the worst possible time.

So I am begging you….pull the tooth

Have that difficult conversation with someone you love

Confess the weakness or sin that has become such a huge part of your life

Take the step of Faith that fills your heart with fear.

Do what needs to be done now so you don’t regret it later

I spent lots of time during 2011 and 2012 thinking about the financial needs that presented obstacles to my ministry, and how they were created.  Looking at it now I can locate the Tipping Point to these challenges….it was the decision to delay my dental work.  And on the return home the Lord helped me determine to never make that mistake again.  For the mouth that was filled with blood yesterday will be praising God for His Wisdom while serving on the Mission Field

My Michael Jordan Experience

Photo courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu

Even as an Introvert in High School I loved to preach the Word of God.  This led me to join a “preaching class” that was used as an elective for seventh period twice a month.  Actually our class didn’t teach us how to preach, but was an excuse for students to share a message they had been working on.

One Wednesday when it came my turn I used a well-known passage from the book of Matthew.

Matt. 16:24   Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

To illustrate the idea that wealth or riches cannot save a person (Matthew 16:26) I decided to use a fictional conversation between Michael Jordan and God at the Judgment Seat of Christ.  That year Jordan won his fourth NBA title out of six, and cemented himself as the greatest basketball player of all time, so using him would get peoples attention.

The conversation involved Jordan listing all of his accomplishments as reason for him to be let into Heaven, and God refusing him entrance because he had not accepted Christ as Savior.  It ends with the voice of Michael Jordan echoing as he is thrown into hell, “My name is Michael Jordan, don’t you know who I am?”

That wasn’t the first time classmates had heard me preach, but that story along with an explanation of Scripture definitely changed their perception.  Up till that time I had been the guy who didn’t talk and had the social life of a large rock, but now I was someone who could communicate in a powerful way.

As shocking as that moment was for the others, I can guarantee you nobody was more surprised than me.

Growing up I had spent many years looking for the one thing that I could do better than anyone else.  Now after a long search my gift had finally been found, I was the guy who could speak with confidence in front of large crowds, and actually enjoy doing it.  Everyone in the class told me what an awesome sermon it was (after picking their jaws up off the floor) and for the first time in years people actually started to notice me for something other than my lack of a social life.

The excitement of that class-period and the realization God hadn’t created me with no talent was enough to give confidence for at least a year…but things were just getting started.  A few days later a Senior named Paul (one of the most popular kids at school) walked up after seventh period and asked if I would share my Michael Jordan illustration during Homeroom Devotions (played over an intercom to everyone in the student body).

Almost immediately after saying, “Sure okay,” my heart was filled with crippling fear.  There was a huge difference between speaking to a small group of fellow students who I knew well, and having my voice transmitted to every classroom in the High School!  As the day approached I viewed it as a test to determine if the Lord had truly given me a gift to communicate with others..

To this day I’m incredibly grateful that nobody actually saw me speaking that morning except for Paul and the school secretary, because I was literally trembling from fear, and had a hard time holding the microphone still enough to talk into it.  Yet in the midst of that fear and trembling I found peace in my heart.

In recent years the term “coming out party” has been created to describe individuals (particularly sports players) who seem to come out of nowhere and play the game of their lives.  The ability of hindsight allows me to go back eighteen years and see that five-minute devotional as my coming out party.

Suddenly people who didn’t even know I existed the day before were running up and congratulating me on doing such a great job.  There were even quite a few who thought I was a new student, even though I’d been sitting in class with them for a year and a half.  Slowly more speaking opportunities came and my confidence continued to grow.

A few months after my Michael Jordan story the impossible happened, I became popular.  And it’s that popularity that created one of the most exciting experiences of my life.  But I’m getting ahead of myself….the Mountaintop Experience comes next week.

As a Ninth grader I truly felt like the only person in the world who didn’t fit in during High School, but the truth is there were many others who had struggles much greater than mine.  Today more than ever there is a challenge to find something you can do well and promote it as your identity or be viewed as an outcast.

A few weeks ago I met with a High School Senior whose part of a mentoring program and listened as he expressed frustration over not being able to fit in at school.  My heart broke for him because in his eyes I saw myself and definitely knew his pain.  That’s why it felt so good to lean over the table and explain there was something special inside of him, something that he could excel at, and take great pleasure in.

I don’t know what that talent is but I do know God has placed it within this student’s life.  And I can only hope to be there for his “coming out party,” because it’s going to be glorious.